IDENTITY MISTAKEN

My marks in matriculation were good enough to earn me a seat in the science batch in the nearest college, without any difficulty. I was too young a boy to be called a college student. I still wore short trousers which only reached a little above my knees. Those were the ones I wore while studying in the high school. I was getting a promotion from school to college. I felt that my dress should also reflect it. I had seen the boys in colleges wearing dhotis and not short trousers. Wearing pants was not common in those days as in the present times. Even those who got them stitched for a style, felt shy of wearing them as that would invite special attraction and teasing comments. I felt that I needed dhotis to wear while going to college. I told my mother that I needed them. I had my mother only then to make all my requests, as my father was away due to his job requirements. My mother was not quite convinced of my requirement of dhotis.

 “Those trousers are still fit for you. When they wear out, we could buy dhotis in place of them. For the present, it is enough”, said she as her final decision. Once decided, she wouldn’t listen further. Thrifty she was then, as she had no money to spend other than for what was essentially required. Even in the later years, I had never found her to be extravagant at any time.

I began my college days by wearing short trousers. To my relief, I found that three or four other boys also wore short trousers like me. On the opening day of the college, one tall boy from the back bench came to each of us and told that we should change over to dhotis from the next week. I didn’t know by which way he felt offended of my wearing short trousers, but I kept that thought to myself. He was also new to the college, but by seeing him I felt that he might have spent more years in the lower classes than me. He was tall and stoutly built. There was an ugly long scar on his left cheek, with its lower end a bit twisted towards his lips. I did not reply him, and his looks itself made me to despise him.

All the other boys obeyed him and came in dhotis in the next week. I too wanted to obey. Not because of fear alone, but because I wanted to be in tune with the rest. But, I had to wait until my trousers got worn out. I had no much choice.

The boy with the ugly scar on his face seemed to be annoyed at my disobedience. He started making fun of me in front of others. The others included the girl students also. As days passed, I began to feel his insults unbearable. I used to sit in the front bench. One day, he came from the back and sat by the side of me and began to humiliate me. He pulled on my cheeks and pinched on my thighs. As I got up and tried to move away, he warned that he would continue to do so if I didn’t wear a dhoti on the next day. I found the girls sitting in the near by bench putting their heads down on the desk and laughing. That was more embarrassing. Personally, I felt dejected in having to wear the short trousers. Added with his humiliation, I felt depressed to a great extent.

It was not possible for me to wear dhoti on the next day. As I sat on the front bench, I threw a glance to the back to see whether he had come. He was looking at me and got up from his seat. I knew he was aiming me. Immediately, I got up from my seat and climbed on the dais. I thought that he would not dare to do anything in front of every one when I stood on the dais. I was mistaken. He also climbed on the dais, bent a little and squeezed my thighs with both his hands. I felt badly ashamed as many boys and girls were sitting in the class and watching the show. More than the shame, I felt my anger taking the better of me. As he straightened up, in a moment of frenzy, I slapped him hard on his face with all my might right across his scar. It took a few seconds for me to realize that I had slapped him. The girls and some of the boys got up from their seats, as if they expected something awkward to happen. Pin drop silence reigned the room. I couldn’t believe what I did. I was never a person to slap any one.

The class room seemed to be waiting for what would follow. I knew what would follow. In a split of a moment, I pushed him away and ran off from the class room. After reaching a little away, I turned around to see whether he was following. No, he was not. I waited there to get myself cooled down. I wondered how I would go to the class again. I was sure that he was not going to spare me. He would definitely be waiting to give me my bit. I would not stand a chance before him.

The bell rang for the classes to begin. I slowly walked towards the class room and waited outside till the teacher came. As the teacher neared close, I entered the class and sat on my seat. I didn’t look back. But I was not attentive in the class. My safety was my priority. My thoughts were on how to ensure it. When the bell rang announcing the end of the period, I got up and followed the teacher to outside. That was the way I managed the whole day. I would enter along with the teacher and I would go out along with the teacher. I could not be attentive to the classes at all. I was thinking on finding a solution to the issue. And I took my decision before I reached back home.

The decision was that I wouldn’t go to the college any more without wearing dhotis. When my mother found that I was not getting ready to go to the college on the next day, she enquired whether it was a holiday for the college. I said my decision. I did not tell her any thing that happened in the college. I told only that it was too shameful a thing to go to college in short trousers. I would rather stop my studies. That convinced her. I was given the money to buy two dhotis.

When I proceeded to the college wearing the dhoti, I had the fear in me whether he would retaliate. But I had met with his demand and he could definitely consider it as a partial victory for him. I hoped he would be satisfied with that. But the slapping remained to be settled. What would he do for that? I didn’t know. But I decided to go and sit in the class as before without bothering on what transpired in between.

Nothing happened. He never came to me. We never talked to each other. I avoided looking at that scary face. But all the same, I felt a little lonely and deserted. My talks were limited. I could not make much friendship with any one. The shame I had to suffer on the dais remained large in my mind. My expectations of shining as a college student died down in the beginning itself. I lost my interest in studies. I was only interested to complete the course somehow and get out of the college. I remained lone-some through out my college days.

In the final exam, I got marks enough for a pass but not enough to get an admission to any degree course. I remained at home for two years before I joined the military.

*     *     *     *     *

A few years passed. I was sitting in the camp canteen on a bright Sunday morning, enjoying a native break fast; a change from the routine mess food. Some one tapped on my shoulder. I turned to look at him. That scary face was there before me all in smiles. I was surprised to see him there. I wondered how he happened to be there. But I did not ask. I kept my questions to myself. I did not respond well. He told me that he had seen me a few days ago in uniform and learned that I too had joined the force like him. He continued that he joined the force immediately after the pre-degree results were published. That meant he was senior to me in the force by two years, I thought. The days in college flashed through my mind. It was only for a moment that I looked at him. I did not want to get involved with him any more. I was not going to take his bait.  I withdrew my eyes from his laughing face and continued with my breakfast.

But, he waited. He waited till I finished my breakfast and washed. He came along with me to outside and kept on talking. He requested me to forget the incident in the college. He said that he was deeply sorry for what had happened. He admitted that it was a big mistake on his part. He told that he had only the intention to bring me up to the level of others and where he failed was in considering my feelings. He expected that I would take it in a jolly spirit. He said that he realized well the humiliation he caused to me only when I dared to slap him. I stopped walking and looked at his face.

“Don’t remind me of those days again. I am not interested.” I said curtly.

Normally, I should have been very glad to have the company of a native in a distant place and that too when he was my class mate. But, I could not much appreciate the company of this man whom I hated from my first day in the college. I tried to maintain a distance from him. But he never missed a chance to be with me. He made it a point not to talk to me about our college days again.

I was a fresh man in the camp and I had to spread out my bedding on the floor, as there was no cot available. I could get one only when someone got transferred and a cot fell vacant. When he found that, he made arrangements for me to get the cot immediately. He was a senior man and he could make such arrangements. He began taking care of me in each and every difficulty I faced. He was behaving like a good guardian. Once when I fell ill and was admitted in the hospital, he used to visit me every day bringing some fruits with him. He would talk to me endlessly till the visiting time was over. One day I ended up in an argument with someone in the bar. The man against me was so annoyed that he got up and caught hold of my collar. Someone from a nearby table was immediately on his feet and pulled the man from behind by his collar. In the un-expected move, the man against me fell down as his feet got trapped by his chair. “Do not dare to touch him.” He shouted. “He is my brother”, he declared loudly for everyone in the bar to hear. It was him. I had not known that he was sitting there and watching me.

Back in my bed, my thoughts rolled around him. The words “my brother” kept ringing in my mind. He was correct. He had been behaving to me like an elder brother and a guardian. It was me who kept a rude face always. I thought of my college days. “Was he in fact responsible for that?” I asked to myself. “Was not my mother more responsible for the whole episode?’ If only she had given me the money when I asked first, nothing would have happened. He had said that he had under-estimated my feelings. It could be true. That was why he had not disturbed me again or retaliated for my action. I began to feel sorry for my rudeness and decided to change my attitude to him.

In no time, we became fast friends. We went everywhere together. We saw the movies together. I was no more carrying any ill feelings against him. He was to me a friend, a guardian and an elder brother, in his own words. Whenever we went outside the camp, we would always be together. We enjoyed being together in our days in the camp.

But our days together were not to last long. After a year, he got his transfer to a north eastern region. I told him that it would be fine if I too got a transfer to the same place later. He said he wished that I didn’t get my posting there as the place would be too hard to live. I went to the Railway Station to see him off. I felt very sad. I was loosing a great friend and a valuable company. As the train was about to move, I said that we would meet again at some other military station. “Sure, sure”, he replied. I waved my hands and saw him off. That was the last I ever saw him.

*     *     *     *     *

A few days ago I found him staring at me again. I was going through the obituary column of the newspaper.  His face, even though looking a little older, had not undergone much change. That scar was very much visible. I looked at it and remembered that I had once slapped him there. I remembered the happy days we spent together. Tears welled in my eyes.

“We would meet again in the next station, friend. Please wait… please wait for me…”, my heart yearned.

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